A Day in the Life of a Citadel Knob: Off-Campus Edition

Ah, the life of a Knob. Freshmen at The Citadel are aptly called “Knobs” for a reason: They’re the lowliest part of a machine designed to produce top-notch military minds. So, what happens when a Knob decides he needs a break from the rigorous lifestyle and seeks a day of freedom in Charleston? A comedy of errors, naturally.

Act I: The Siren Song of CofC

Let’s call our protagonist Knob Kevin. His day starts with a covert mission to the College of Charleston campus. Donning his best incognito attire—a mismatched ensemble of Citadel sweatshirt and board shorts—he sets out to ogle at girls. A mere 20 minutes in, he spots his target: a lovely coed reading by a fountain.

Kevin’s approach was straight out of a B-movie: A semi-confident strut, followed by an awkward clearing of the throat. “Hey, beautiful. Ever date a future soldier?” To which she looked up from her book and responded, “Is that a promise or a threat?” Rejected and dejected, Kevin retreats.

Act II: The Frat Party Fiasco

Not to be easily deterred, Kevin hears about a frat party happening that night. Surely, he thinks, they’ll appreciate his daring tales of plebe life. Wrong. Upon his arrival, he’s immediately greeted with suspicious glares. Who invited GI Joe to the kegger?

He tries to blend in, poorly mimicking the dance moves around him. Mid-dab, he’s approached by the frat president. “Dude, who even are you?” Before Kevin could stammer out an answer, he’s escorted out, dignity nowhere in sight.

Act III: The Night’s Final Humiliation

Kevin checks his watch. Oh, no. He’s past curfew. He rushes back to The Citadel, knowing full well what awaits him—a series of “motivational paddlings” courtesy of his older classmates.

As he sneaks back into his dorm, he’s cornered by a group of upperclassmen wielding paddles adorned with comic book heroes. “Time for some ‘Captain America’-style freedom,” one sneers. The paddles descend, each whack punctuated by snickers and quotes from superhero movies.

Conclusion

When all was said and done, Knob Kevin found himself back in his bunk, nursing his bruised ego and posterior. Though his excursion was a disaster, it gave him valuable insight: Perhaps the life of a Knob isn’t meant to be glamorous. And that’s okay, because superheroes aren’t born; they’re paddled into existence.